Cycle of Abuse

The Cycle of Abuse keeps you fearful and off balance both emotionally and psychologically. Look at the diagram of the cycle shown above... do you recognize this vicious and devastating wheel spinning within your relationship?

 

In the 1970s,  Lenore Walker developed the theory that most forms of abuse occur within a distinct pattern or cycle. Within an established relationship, the same pattern emerges time after time and is repeated, often becoming more intense

 

For many victims of relationship violence, it's difficult to recognize when a pattern of abuse has developed. Instead, they often see abusive behaviors as isolated, unrelated incidents. Yet, abuse often happens in patterns or cycles. Abusive episodes are interspersed with periods of calm, loving support, and behaviors that are nurturing and caring typical of the behaviors that initially drew the two partners together. However, the abusive pattern that develops can often become predictable and leading to a source of tension, which evolves into the abusive incident or violence, once again followed by the period of making amends and a period of calm…only to be repeated again.  How often the cycle repeats is different for each relationship. Just know that the cycle does repeat and research has demonstrated that the abuse can escalate over time. 

 

Tension

·       abuser starts to get angry

·       threats, verbal insults

·       fear, guilt – feel like you are “walking on egg shells”

·       unpredictable behavior

 

Abuse Occurs

·       any incident of physical, psychological, emotional abuse

·       may include financial abuse

 

Making Amends

·       abuser apologizes for abuse

·       abuser promises it won’t happen again

·       may buy gifts, flowers etc to say “ I am sorry”

·       may try to blame victim for the abusive behavior

 

Calm

·       similar to making amends cycle

·       promises made during the making amends cycle may be met

·       abuser may act like the abuse never happened

·       victim may hope that the abuse is over

 

Does any of this sound familiar to you or do you know a friend in a similar situation…. If so TALK WITH SOMEONE!!  There are resources out there to help you.

 

If on campus, please dial 11 for Public Safety or contact them at 516 323 3500. Also, please contact Personal Counseling Center at 516 323 3484

 

If off campus, dial 911 for police or

 Nassau County Coalition Against Domestic Violence at their 24 hour hotline   516 542 0404 http://www.cadvnc.org/cadv/

Suffolk County Coalition Against Domestic Violence at their 24 hour hotline  631 666 8833  http://www.sccadv.org/

 National Coalition Against Domestic Violence at their 24 hour hotline  800 799 safe(7233) http://www.ncadv.org/

The Deafening Silence of Relationship Violence

The Silence Surrounding Domestic Violence is Deafening – from Huffington Post

Posted: 11/07/2013 4:39 pm       

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tanya-young-williams/domestic-violence-awarene_1_b_4216629.html

As a very vocal advocate for the eradication of domestic violence, I am greatly frustrated by the apparent indifference our culture has towards domestic violence and the cancerous destruction it has on our families. A greater discussion was warranted, especially in October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, to inform those in abusive relationships of resources available to victims and abusers in hopes of bringing an end to the violence. A candid conversation was needed to educate the masses as to what domestic violence is, who is being affected and how domestic violence can kill the victim's body, mind and spirit.

Despite aggressively pitching dozens of television programs and attempting to leverage my television relationships, no one was willing to talk about domestic violence - even in October - Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Nearly three out of four
(74%) Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence. Therefore, this topic would have been of great relevance to the vast majority of viewers. Still, producers and hosts choose not to discuss domestic violence despite their abilities to produce segments that would have been informative, moving and possibly, life saving.

So why the Industry-wide "NO"? One producer candidly stated that the topic is 'heavy" and a "downer" to an audience of people who have traveled to the studio or watch on the television, to escape the misery in their own lives. Then, my common sense kicked in and I came to grips with the reality that domestic violence is so prevalent and epidemic in nature, that there exist a very strong possibility that someone calling the shots is an abuser. There is a great likelihood that someone on the decision making board is embarrassed by her victimization. Domestic violence happens behind closed doors and for many, that's where they want the conversation to stay also.

The grim truth is that the producers are correct in there assessment as to what people WANT to hear, but that does not give them an out for not providing what people NEED to hear. The sad reality is that most people don't passionately care about domestic violence. The clandestine excuses are: it's a private family matter; people should not air family dirty laundry to the public (no matter how bloody it is); there are two sides to every story so we don't get involved and pick sides (even though only person is being battered); it happens all of the time - people work it out themselves.

The bottom line is that many people will not appreciate this atrocity, that is - domestic violence - until it impacts their lives in personal ways. Yet, I challenge my fellow compassionate beings to understand that domestic violence has a rippling effect that can greatly traumatize our lives as innocent bystanders.

Consider how these real-life scenarios of domestic violence could have affected you.

·        Someone in your circle of friends is smiling on the outside but is being abused at home. In fact, every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten and everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.

·        Some man you hold in high-esteem for being a good friend, boss, employee, leader or colleague is actually a pathetic asshole, bullying and abusing his partner and children. In 98% of domestic violence cases, the perpetrator is the man. 

·        Some child on the playground is bullying your child because she is mimicking the abusive behavior she experiences at home.

·        Your adult child doesn't call much anymore and seldom comes around because she is being abused at home and is too embarrassed to ask for help. Domestic violence includes isolation from family and social contacts, physical and sexual assault, harassment, threats, blaming, name-calling, withholding money, controlling behavior, stalking, verbal abuse, etc.

·        The teenager, from your neighborhood, feels like his life isn't worth living because that's what he's been told at home. Subsequently, he decides to shoot up a school and also end his life.

·        You are buying stamps at the post office and a stalker enters to shoot and kill her boyfriend .

·        A child dies, while being "watched" by Momma's boyfriend, because the permitted form of discipline is beating/abuse which eventually goes to far. The national news story becomes of interest to you because the father, whom the victim never met or knew, is an all-star professional football player.

·        The "perfect" mom, with whom your children had play dates finally cracks from the hidden abuse and shoots her children, abuser and self.

·        The house on fire, wherein a mother and her 12 year old daughter hell-bent on committing suicide due to the continual domestic violence are entrapped, catches fire to your house and burns your memories down.

·        Your child needs counseling because he learns that his best friend was killed by his mother in a murder/suicide because she could no longer take the daily domestic abuse.

·        Your co-worker comes into work hungover quite often and it has affected your team performance and thus your annual review. You are unaware that many victims of domestic violence use and abuse alcohol as a coping mechanism

Domestic violence occurs every day, all over the world, in every neighborhood and to every demographic of victims. Please talk about it. Lend your non-judgmental support to someone you think needs help and give financial assistance to organizations that are passionate about ending domestic violence.

Telling Someone

Did you know that approximately 25 % of victims in abusive relationship never tell anyone. These people often feel embarrassed, afraid and sadly they feel no one will believe them. 
If you are in an unhealthy relationship, please tell someone: a friend, a parent, a teacher, anyone who you feel safe with. The Partner Project is here for you and we will listen.....

So beautifully stated by Jane Seskin in a Witness to Resilience

 

Testimony

 

Tell,

Please tell.

Tell.

You must tell someone.

 

Tell the secret

to a friend,

relative,

co-worker,

someone,

anyone,

just...tell.

 

Talk.

Talk the pain

heal the heart.

 

Talk

Talk the hurt

heal the head.

 

Tell now.

 

Get up.

Do it.

 

Tell.

Now.

 

Yes!

 

 

Emotional Abuse...what is it and can you recognize it?

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse  may lead to physical violence.  It is a powerful tool used by one person to maintain a feeling of power and control over another person.

This type of abuse instills negative feeling such as shame, embarrassment, guilt and fear. Emotional abuse may include belittling or humiliating a partner in public or in private, it also includes name calling, making a partner feel ashamed, controlling money, it may also include gaining access to passwords, IDs, and cell phone. If you have any questions or concerns, please reach out to The Partner Project via a confidential email, just click on the link and scroll down http://www.molloy.edu/offices-and-services/student-affairs/the-partner-project

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS?

The Abuser	The Victim
Wants all the control ·         Makes all the decisions ·         Acts very possessive ·         Needs to win every argument ·         May demand sex after an argument to “make up”	Often can’t name or talk about the problem ·         Blames herself or himself ·         Makes excuses for the partner’s behavior ·         Believes the partners actions are a sign of love
Discounts feeling & views ·         Puts down, makes fun of or embarrasses partner ·         Is jealous or critical of partner’s friends and family	May lose confidence or feel afraid ·         Questions his or her own feelings or perspectives ·         Often tries to explain what he or she meant ·         Feels distressed. Stressed, or isolated ·         Spends less and less time with friends or family. ·         Spends less time in activities they use to enjoy ·         Changes how he or she acts to avoid making partner angry. ·         May experience chronic headaches, fatigue, and  eating disorders ·         Experiences a loss of self-respect and feelings of self-worth ·         May give up on school, a job, or other life goal.
Confuses & frightens partner ·         Blames partner or others for his or her anger ·         May be ‘tender” one moment than angry the next ·         Uses threat or physical force

Victoria's Story

This is my story….   

 

It all seems like a blur now, a blip on the radar of my life. You never think it could happen to you, and if it did happen you would tell yourself you’d never stay. I remember thinking that before I met Jim. Once when friends told me about their unhealthy relationships I remember giving them advice, “Just leave! You’ll find better, you deserve better” but what did I know? That advice always seemed to fall on deaf ears. Some of those friends did leave their significant others, some months or years later they would come back and apologize for not listening. Never in my life did I think that I would be one of them.

            I had started dating him my freshman year of college, and everything was wonderful. I felt like I had found someone who really loved me and regardless of my mother’s pleas to not move in with him so soon - because after all I felt like I knew better. Of course my mother had seen warning signs, “he seems a little controlling” she’d say (it echoes in my head now) or “he doesn’t seem to like any of your friends” but I had dismissed those worries because I was in love, and because I felt like my mother was being over protective and over analytical. These would be some of the many excuses that would build up over the next three years.

It had all started with the little things, jealousy over a new friend I had met in school, wanting to keep me in the apartment because we didn’t “spend enough time together”, etc. I remember the feeling of being trapped even then, but never seeing a way out. Early on I came up with every excuse in the book for him; it was my fault he felt jealous because I had a lot of guy friends or he always says sorry after he yells or throws something so it’s really just an accident; more of a “in the heat of the moment” kind of thing. My friends were skeptical, and I remember hiding things from them just to avoid the “we really think you should leave” confrontation again and again. After all what did they know, I told them about all the bad things but never the good- they didn’t know how much Jim really did care about me. He just got angry sometimes, that’s all- who were they to judge?

Soon, I began feeling like I lived a double life. In order to see any of my best friends I’d have to lie to Jim about being at school and doing homework, but the backlash that came back from him when he found out I had lied was terrifying, so it didn’t happen often. He was in complete control of my life.

One time I had went to Barnes and Nobles with my best friends Gina and Lisa to read magazines. I told Jim I had been at school when I received a call from him saying he saw me walking down the street. I left them abruptly without saying a word and ran back to my apartment. When I arrived he had locked me out of our apartment and I sat in the hallway for what seemed like an eternity feeling embarrassed and ashamed. When he finally opened the door he dragged me in by my hair and sat me at the table, I apologized and apologized but he just continued to yell at me. Eventually he finished his argument by spitting in my face and retreating to another corner of the small studio apartment-- I was trapped in with him. A knock on the door came, and he ordered me to the door to answer it. In tears I opened it and there were my two friends from Barnes and Nobles looking frightened. “You didn’t answer any of our calls, we were worried, and we waited outside for 30 minutes for someone to buzz us in to check on you” Jim stood beside me, “She’s fine” he said and slammed the door.

There were numbers of incidents similar to this, he’d get home first after a fight and lock me out, he wouldn’t let me go home to my family for the holidays because he didn’t like being left alone for more than two days, he wouldn’t let my sister stay when she came to visit, he wouldn’t let me answer my phone, I missed school days because he thought I had lied about my schedule, I lost friends because he wouldn’t let me contact them, etc. I lived in constant fear- my body and mind in constant fight or flight mode, but with no option of flight around.

Then the night that really broke my mother's patience came. After 3 years of covering for him and living my life afraid, he had seen a picture of me smoking a cigarette after hacking into a friend’s photo account. I was asleep on the couch when he saw the picture- and was woken up by the tugging and pulling of my hair and being thrown onto the floor. While I knew I shouldn’t have smoked, (it has been a year and a half since I last smoked, just as an aside) he wanted to make a point of getting his opinion across. He picked up my purse and found a hidden pack of cigarettes he then opened and threw at me while I was on the floor while he screamed at me. While holding the back of my head, he shoved a handful of cigarettes into my mouth making me chew them while holding my mouth shut so I couldn’t spit them out or let the vomit out. He then proceeded to put my head through our hallway wall. I was crying hysterically, dizzy and bleeding, when he brought me to the bathroom to flush my head in the toilet until I was unconscious. I woke up to him smacking my face and spitting on me, “CALL YOUR MOTHER AND TELL HER WHAT A TERRIBLE PERSON YOU ARE” he screamed.

“Mom,” hysterically crying and barely being able to get any words out- “I started smoking cigarettes and I’m really sorry” My mother in the truest sense of herself “That’s okay hunny I’m not mad what’s wrong, what is he doing are you okay?” “I am and I love you” and I hung up the phone, he ordered to not pick up her persistent calls. Later, I woke up when he was sleeping and found my phone where he had hidden and I secretly texted my mom saying sorry and that I was okay.

I felt like a shadow of a person, I felt I had no identity without Jim. I had built my life around him and while it wasn’t  anything great it was all I had (so I thought). It was embedded in my brain from him – I couldn’t leave, I wouldn’t find anyone who loved me the way he did. I was embarrassed by what I thought was weakness, and ashamed of what I had become. Years before, my mother had left our father for similar reasons, and I felt I wasn’t strong like she. I was depressed and felt trapped. I was lost what could I do? I had alienated myself from people who loved me- I didn’t think I had anywhere to go. I had become complacent with staying because I couldn’t imagine leaving. After everything I still felt like I loved Jim, he was just troubled and I seemed to be there at all the wrong times.

Then one random day (that would forever change my life) I was getting coffee before going to the studio at school and I received a call. My mother and aunt had driven all the way from New York to Philadelphia. Jim was at work, and they were there to move me out. I cried, pleading, “he’ll find me” and “I love him”. My mother and my aunt had enlisted worried friends who came without delay to my aid and moved all of my belongings in two hours into our small car. My mom decided that I was moving to ANYWHERE away from him so I wouldn’t be put through this anymore.

My mother and aunt left later that day, but they made sure to cover all of our bases. We had gotten my phone number changed (which I was unaware of at the time but this can be done in cases like by most phone carriers for free) and I was off the lease at the apartment thanks to my mother’s ability to persuade. I was free at last and suddenly I was even more distraught. I thought I would’ve felt better – I was my own person again. But I was so beaten down I wasn’t sure how I would go on without him; I was preoccupied, confused and once again lost. After all mom’s hard work I just wanted to retreat back to him, and a few weeks later I did. I kept this secret from my mother as I spent the next couple weeks with him before he moved away. Without him moving and without my mother’s work, I’m almost 100% sure I would still be in an unhealthy relationship.

This is not a story of how I heroically came out of this standing on my own, or how I saw some light at the end of the tunnel and knew I’d make it out of all of this a better person. This is a story of how I defaulted more than once, couldn’t believe in myself and needed the help of people who loved me. While some people can help themselves in these situations, a lot of us cannot and you have to know that that is okay and doesn’t make you weak. The people who abuse us are manipulative and brainwashing and will make you feel helpless. It’s okay to ask for help, and to accept a way out. Without the people who loved me and never gave up on me there was no way out of that jail cell I called an apartment with the horrible man that I continued to love, in spite of myself. Sometimes you have to depend on others to be strong for you, and there is always someone out there who will do that for you- there is always someone who cares about you. You are never alone even when you feel that you are.

Unfortunately a few years after Jim, my mother unexpectedly passed away. I think about all the time I could’ve had with her if it wasn’t for him, and how I am mad at myself for not asking for help sooner and trusting the opinions of others around me that I would be okay. Time is all you have with the people you love, and it should never be wasted on people like Jim.

I am now in my senior year of nursing at Molloy, with great grades and great friends. I live with the aunt who came to my rescue almost 5 years ago and saved me with my mother from that life. I have a wonderful boyfriend, who cares more for me than I could have ever imagined and has all the patience in the world for someone who needs to gain more patience for herself. Years ago I never thought I would be where I am today, however I am and it feels amazing.

You can always leave whenever you want, and there are always people who will help you. Don’t ever forget that and don’t ever feel hopeless.