WHY??

 

Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships?*

*loveisrespect.org

 

People who have never been abused often wonder why a person wouldn’t just leave. They don’t understand that breaking up can be more complicated than it seems.

 

There are many reasons why both men and women stay in abusive relationships. If you have a friend in an unhealthy relationship, support them by understanding why they may choose to not leave immediately.

 

Conflicting Emotions

·       Fear: Your friend may be afraid of what will happen if they decide to leave the relationship. If your friend has been threatened by their partner, family, or friends, they may not feel safe leaving.

·       Believing Abuse is Normal:  If your friends don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, perhaps from growing up in an environment where an abuse was common, they may not recognize that their relationship is unhealthy.

·       Fear of Being “Outed”: If your friend is in a same-sex relationship and has not yet come out to everyone, their partner may threaten to reveal this secret. Being “outed” may feel especially scary for young people who are just beginning to explore their sexuality.

·       Embarrassment: It’s probably hard for your friend to admit that they’ve been abused. They may feel they’ve done something wrong by becoming involved with an abusive partner. They may also worry that their friends and family will judge them.

·       Low Self-esteem: If your friend’s partner constantly puts them down and blames them for the abuse, it can be easy for your friend to believe those statements and think that the abuse is their fault.

·       Love: Your friend may stay in an abusive relationship hoping that their abuser will change. Think about it- if a person you love tells you they’ll change, you want to believe them. Your friend may only want the violence to stop, not for the relationship to end entirely.

 

Pressure

·       Social/Peer Pressure: If the abuser is popular, it can be hard for a person to tell their friends for fear that no one will believe them or that everyone will take the abuser’s side.

·       Cultural/Religious Reasons: Traditional gender roles can make it difficult for young women to admit being sexually active and for young men to admit to being abused. Also, your friend’s culture or religion may influence them to stay rather than end the relationship for fear of brining shame upon their family.

·       Pregnancy/Parenting: Your friend may feel pressure to raise their children with both parents together, even if that means staying in an abusive relationship. Also, the abusive partner may threaten to take or harm the children if your friend leaves.

 

Distrust of Adults or Authority

·       Distrust of Adults: Adults often don’t believe that young adults really experience love. So if something goes wrong in the relationship, your friend may feel like they have no adults to turn to or that no one will take them seriously.

·       Distrust of Police: Many young adults do not feel that the police can or will help them, so they don’ report the abuse.

·       Language Barriers/Immigration Status: If your friend is undocumented, they may fear that reporting the abuse will affect their immigration status. Also, if their first language isn’t English it can be difficult to express the depth of their situation to others.

 

Reliance on the Abusive Partner

·       Lack of Money: Your friend may have become financially dependent on their abusive partner. Without money, it can seem impossible for them to leave the relationship.

·       Nowhere to Go: Even if they could leave, your friend may think that they have nowhere to go or no one to turn to once they’ve ended the relationship. This feeling of helplessness can be especially strong if the person lives with their abusive partner.

·       Disability: If your friend is physically dependent on their abusive partner, they can feel that their well-being is connected to the relationship. This dependency could heavily influence his or her decision to stay in the abusive relationship.

 

What Can I Do?

 

If you have friends or family members who are in unhealthy or abusive relationships, the most important thing you can do is be supportive and listen to them. Please don’t judge! Understand that leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship is never easy.

 

Try to let your friend know that they have options. Invite them to checkout resources at the bottom, even if they stay in the abusive relationship.

 

Some Resources:

If on campus, please dial 11 for Public Safety or contact them at 516 323 3500. Also, please contact Personal Counseling Center at 516 323 3484

If off campus, dial 911 for police or

 Nassau County Coalition Against Domestic Violence at their 24 hour hotline   516 542 0404 http://www.cadvnc.org/cadv/

Suffolk County Coaliton Against Domestic Violence at their 24 hour hotline  631 666 8833  http://www.sccadv.org/

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence at their 24 hour hotline  800 799 safe(7233) http://www.ncadv.org/

Love is Respect  http://www.loveisrespect.org

Cycle of Abuse

The Cycle of Abuse keeps you fearful and off balance both emotionally and psychologically. Look at the diagram of the cycle shown above... do you recognize this vicious and devastating wheel spinning within your relationship?

 

In the 1970s,  Lenore Walker developed the theory that most forms of abuse occur within a distinct pattern or cycle. Within an established relationship, the same pattern emerges time after time and is repeated, often becoming more intense

 

For many victims of relationship violence, it's difficult to recognize when a pattern of abuse has developed. Instead, they often see abusive behaviors as isolated, unrelated incidents. Yet, abuse often happens in patterns or cycles. Abusive episodes are interspersed with periods of calm, loving support, and behaviors that are nurturing and caring typical of the behaviors that initially drew the two partners together. However, the abusive pattern that develops can often become predictable and leading to a source of tension, which evolves into the abusive incident or violence, once again followed by the period of making amends and a period of calm…only to be repeated again.  How often the cycle repeats is different for each relationship. Just know that the cycle does repeat and research has demonstrated that the abuse can escalate over time. 

 

Tension

·       abuser starts to get angry

·       threats, verbal insults

·       fear, guilt – feel like you are “walking on egg shells”

·       unpredictable behavior

 

Abuse Occurs

·       any incident of physical, psychological, emotional abuse

·       may include financial abuse

 

Making Amends

·       abuser apologizes for abuse

·       abuser promises it won’t happen again

·       may buy gifts, flowers etc to say “ I am sorry”

·       may try to blame victim for the abusive behavior

 

Calm

·       similar to making amends cycle

·       promises made during the making amends cycle may be met

·       abuser may act like the abuse never happened

·       victim may hope that the abuse is over

 

Does any of this sound familiar to you or do you know a friend in a similar situation…. If so TALK WITH SOMEONE!!  There are resources out there to help you.

 

If on campus, please dial 11 for Public Safety or contact them at 516 323 3500. Also, please contact Personal Counseling Center at 516 323 3484

 

If off campus, dial 911 for police or

 Nassau County Coalition Against Domestic Violence at their 24 hour hotline   516 542 0404 http://www.cadvnc.org/cadv/

Suffolk County Coalition Against Domestic Violence at their 24 hour hotline  631 666 8833  http://www.sccadv.org/

 National Coalition Against Domestic Violence at their 24 hour hotline  800 799 safe(7233) http://www.ncadv.org/

Keeping Yourself Safe

 

Ultimately the responsibility for preventing sexual and domestic violence is on the shoulders of those who commit the acts. A victim/survivor is never responsible.

The following are some safety tips to keep in mind. This list is not exhaustive, but provides some valuable tools. If you are feeling unsafe, there are people on and off campus who can help you understand your options and resources available. (See list of links below)Additionally these people can provide further safety planning strategies.

 Helpful Safety Tips:

• Trust your intuition and your instinct. If you are feeling unsafe or uncomfortable, you are probably right.
•  Know your limits; sexual and relationship wise. Be firm with your decisions and limits. Only you can define what your limits are. You have the right to say "NO" or leave at any point if you are uncomfortable or feel unsafe.

•  Vary your travel routines and schedule patterns. Keep information regarding where you are on a need to know basis. This information shouldn't be publicly available and easily accessed except by folks you really trust and need to know.

•  Keep your phone charged and on you at all times. If possible memorize emergency numbers and key contact people in the case of personal emergency. Another option would be to have important numbers written down and saved somewhere you could easily access. Consider downloading Circle of Six, an app for phone that makes contacting someone real simple!

• Be practical and aware while you are consuming or around alcohol. Ensure that you and your friends have a plan about expectations for the party or bar and a way to get home after. Avoid assuming someone will "take care of you." It is important to go with a clear plan that all of your friends follow to keep each other safe and well.

 

• Be aware of the privacy and personal information settings on social media, email, and other internet sites. Avoid sharing your personal information, address, phone number, and passwords. "Checking In" on sites like Facebook and Twitter and other apps can put you in danger.
• Be aware of your surrounding at all times. Keep a keen eye on the people and places around you. Stay alert.

• If you fear you are being abused, stalked, and/or harassed, there are resources and options for you. Documentation will be crucial in getting aid and other safety measures put in place. Contact Public Safety for more information. Their telephone number is 516 323-3500.
•  General safety tips are important to keep in mind as well. Be aware of the where you are walking. Stay in lit areas. Stay in groups as much as possible. Lock your doors.

• Trust your gut and your instincts and honor your feelings of safety and discomfort. If you experience sexual or domestic violence you are not to blame and there are resources are available.

 Some resource links:

http://www.molloy.edu/offices-and-services/student-affairs/the-partner-project

http://www.molloy.edu/offices-and-services/public-safety

http://www.molloy.edu/offices-and-services/student-affairs

http://www.molloy.edu/molloy-life/campus-life-and-activities/student-personal-counseling

http://www.molloy.edu/molloy-life/campus-life-and-activities/campus-ministries

http://www.cadvnc.org/cadv

 

Telling Someone

Did you know that approximately 25 % of victims in abusive relationship never tell anyone. These people often feel embarrassed, afraid and sadly they feel no one will believe them. 
If you are in an unhealthy relationship, please tell someone: a friend, a parent, a teacher, anyone who you feel safe with. The Partner Project is here for you and we will listen.....

So beautifully stated by Jane Seskin in a Witness to Resilience

 

Testimony

 

Tell,

Please tell.

Tell.

You must tell someone.

 

Tell the secret

to a friend,

relative,

co-worker,

someone,

anyone,

just...tell.

 

Talk.

Talk the pain

heal the heart.

 

Talk

Talk the hurt

heal the head.

 

Tell now.

 

Get up.

Do it.

 

Tell.

Now.

 

Yes!

 

 

Emotional Abuse...what is it and can you recognize it?

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse  may lead to physical violence.  It is a powerful tool used by one person to maintain a feeling of power and control over another person.

This type of abuse instills negative feeling such as shame, embarrassment, guilt and fear. Emotional abuse may include belittling or humiliating a partner in public or in private, it also includes name calling, making a partner feel ashamed, controlling money, it may also include gaining access to passwords, IDs, and cell phone. If you have any questions or concerns, please reach out to The Partner Project via a confidential email, just click on the link and scroll down http://www.molloy.edu/offices-and-services/student-affairs/the-partner-project

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS?

The Abuser	The Victim
Wants all the control ·         Makes all the decisions ·         Acts very possessive ·         Needs to win every argument ·         May demand sex after an argument to “make up”	Often can’t name or talk about the problem ·         Blames herself or himself ·         Makes excuses for the partner’s behavior ·         Believes the partners actions are a sign of love
Discounts feeling & views ·         Puts down, makes fun of or embarrasses partner ·         Is jealous or critical of partner’s friends and family	May lose confidence or feel afraid ·         Questions his or her own feelings or perspectives ·         Often tries to explain what he or she meant ·         Feels distressed. Stressed, or isolated ·         Spends less and less time with friends or family. ·         Spends less time in activities they use to enjoy ·         Changes how he or she acts to avoid making partner angry. ·         May experience chronic headaches, fatigue, and  eating disorders ·         Experiences a loss of self-respect and feelings of self-worth ·         May give up on school, a job, or other life goal.
Confuses & frightens partner ·         Blames partner or others for his or her anger ·         May be ‘tender” one moment than angry the next ·         Uses threat or physical force